A.S.S. (Always.Some.Shit.)

I’ve done a lot in life that was pretty cool to get to do. I have always dreamed big and had the audacity to believe in myself no matter what so that made for a pretty colorful life filled with opportunity and experiences.

Today, I am 55 years old and my life is pretty even keeled. I wake in the morning around 6:30 and take my nephew to school if my husband is traveling. Then I hit up a few thrift stores, grab coffee and a pup cup for Rookie from Starbucks and head home to shower and get dressed for my real day.

My day is normally determined by my inbox and I try REALLY hard to get out of my way and do all of the things I have to do.

But…more often than not, I lose the motivation to do anything so I sit and piddle the day away answering calls and texts from my team at my store. By the time it is time to get my nephew from school, I have done nothing that I know I need to do but I did a lot of masking by doing things that are basically robotic in nature to say I did something. Minor things like empty the dishwasher, do a load of clothes, sweep the kitchen, fold sofa blankets, etc.

Shit that takes up time and space but does not feed me the way I need to be fed.

I read recently that ADHD in menopause can present as depression when there has been past trauma and I swear that was the most which came first the chicken or the egg nonsense I have ever had lean on my brain so much so that I have to shake my head physically to clear it, to remove the fog, to…just move in a different direction other than the monotony of day-to-day living.

I find myself lonelier now more than I ever felt before when my husband is traveling because life is basically on autopilot for me. My presence is not necessary at my store because I have amazing employees that you don’t need to check up on and I find that I am only really on deck when there is a problem and THAT is a problem because a major part of me can no longer have the difficult conversations which are sometimes necessary in business so…I make it worse by hiding in my head with the music or an audiobook playing via my AirPods, making it easier for me to ignore the hard parts that aren’t going to go anywhere anytime soon.

I have struggled with depression my whole life and people think it is so crazy when they hear me say that if they don’t know me. Usually, if people don’t really know me, their introduction to me is the “ON” me. They don’t know how many hours of silence and nothing I have to do in order to recharge my social batteries after being “ON.” Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy myself when I am being social but the me you see then and the me when I am recharging are such different people.

AND IT IS EXHAUSTING.

I told my doctor once that I was not okay and he looked me in my eyes and believed me.

Because I am not okay.

I lost someone who was so good to and for me on the first day of Spring in 2024 and then…in Fall of 2024, just as I was no longer feeling the daggers in my heart prodding constantly…my little brother died.

And his death really rocked me.

My brother and I had a complicated relationship because for the majority of his life he was an alcoholic. His trauma sent him left because his heart was so soft and he just wanted to deaden the pain of it all. At our age, I’d become weary of there always being some shit to deal with because of his choices so I’d cut him off. I’d told him that he chose the alcohol over us and that we’d be here for him when he decided that he’d choose us instead. We texted a few times a month but nothing like the communication we’d had as I detoxed off him and his way of dealing with his pain. And then… six months later, he called and told me he’d been diagnosed with ALS.

So…here’s the thing.

When you have ALS and you call someone, it sounds like you are drunk.

So…

I.

DID.

NOT.

BELIEVE.

MY.

LITTLE.

BROTHER.

WHEN.

HE.

CALLED.

TO.

TELL.

ME.

HIS.

TRUTH.

I thought this was business as usual. He was trying to figure out how to get back in. I remember exactly what I told him. I said, “I pray you wouldn’t lie about something like this and I also pray you don’t really have this.”

But he did.

And he had Bulbar ALS, which is the most aggressive form of it so he went down quickly and the most beautiful baby boy I have ever seen was in so much pain and agony in his last weeks alive and I hate it here because the shit hurts so much that he suffered and I could have probably made things easier for him when he first got diagnosed, but I DID NOT FUCKING BELIEVE HIM and that shit hurts so much.

It hurts so damn much.

And so when you see me today, tomorrow, whenever... just know that right under the surface of WHATEVER I am doing, I am in broken.

And I have been broken too many times.

And I am TIRED and have no desire to be “ON” ever again even though I know I will always have to because my loved ones deserve the magic I create for them.

So depression, ADHD, Menopause, and grief all mixed up into this lovely cocktail of a psyche that just sits. And I smile, and I laugh, and I joke…while I hurt.

And I hurt all the time.

I know I need something new but it just seems so hard to access something new in the space we are in now. We both work and our nephew is extremely active with extracurriculars. He is the priority because he deserves the best of us. Always.

So I get up every morning and do the same things day in and day out. I keep my mask firmly in place, and there are few people who see me without it. I do what adults do daily. We do what we have to do in order to make it through the day.

And I dream of exciting times ahead of which I have no plans for. The filmmaker in me is always ready with a reel of what future me COULD be doing.

But current me?

She does not believe any of it once the sizzle reel is played out.

Circle the wagons, people. More of us are lost than you think.

We just make pretty pictures.